Rituals of Bereavement

As the time is catching up on us, we hear of death more often than before. It is either someone we know or a close one of someone we know. I am used to condolences. It is a part of my business dealing with cancer. In our office one death is often a premonition of another two. They usually leave us three at a time.

Even then, when in the last month I attended six mournful gatherings, it was more than a fare share, all things considered. 

First there was the demise of Dr Riaz Chaudhary's (Pulmonologist) mother-in-law. She passed away in Baltimore and buried in Upstate NY. We drove to Newburgh for a fatiha and qurankhwani. 

Weeks later mother of Dr Shaukat Hussain (Neurologist) suddenly died in Long Island. Janaza was at Masjid Hamza in Valley Stream. He was kind enough to take care of my dying father eighteen years back. His son, a medical student is one of the Huffaz who lead the taraweeh  prayers at ICLI. 

Weeks later Dr Abdul Majeed's (Pulmonologist) sister died after a prolonged illness. She was like on of the sisters many of us have who took care of you when you arrived in a strange land and took you into their arms. Janaza was at ICLI Long Island. 

Within a week was the death of Abdul Hamid's (Shaheen Sweets) wife, Janaza was at Bait uz Zafar. 

Then the mother of Dr Iqbal Jangda (psychiatrist) passed away in Karachi. He flew to Pakistan, stayed there for one and a half days to attend the soyem and came back to have quran khwani at ICLI. 

Lastly mother of Dr Askari Jaffry (Internist) Risalat Fatima passed away in Connecticut. Janaza and quran khawani was at Khoi Center in Jamaica, NY. Askari is the youngest of the brothers. All very active in the community from Westchester to Connecticut. His elder brother Shaukat Jaffri is  known to many. Askari is Zoha's class mate from Dow and is married to the daughter of a close family friend of ours, Dr Nasir Zaidi. 

These deaths and their related events or rituals took me to peoples homes and their houses of worships. I went to three different mosques, sunni, ahmadi and shia. Although the basic ingredient of a mournful gathering is recitation of Quran in some form or another, people do other rituals in different ways. The most engaging and riveting one was the celebration of death at the Khoi Center. It was the soyem event, started with recitation of Quran by participants. Then there was the prayers, maghrabain. Striking difference in communal prayer was that the Imam said the whole prayers loudly, including the sentences and phrases during prostration and sitting, but did stay silent during the qayyam of the last two rakats. 

After the prayers, there was a sitting session, which started with the recitation of Chapter Yaseen and then a prayer for the deceased. 

And then there was poetry. The whole session was devoted to the subject of motherhood. Four poets recited their poetry in Urdu. It was quite touching, given the relevance of the occasion. It was followed by salaam and a speech by an orator. 

Shia's recipe of grief management is to overlap the grief at hand with the tragedy of Karbala. It helps one express grief profusely and thus it becomes therapeutic. 

All these six deaths I mention were of individuals who had lived a full and rich life. They had seen their near and dear ones grow up and be successful in their own right. Deaths are to be mourned and that is what we do to help each other go through these tough times. But the pain of these deaths to their survivors pale in comparison the massacre of elementary school children in Connecticut. Those nascent lives, full of dreams and hopes were mercilessly and senselessly cut short.

It was during one of the dirges of Karbala when the slaughter of children was lamented that I could make the connection with the death of innocence in Newtown Connecticut. I could not stop being teary eyed. 

Rituals is not a bad word after all.

Oh Lord!

Let be forgiven the Alive and the Deceased

The Present and the Absent

The Young and the Adults

The Men and the Women.

Let the Living live at Peace

And the Dying die with Faith